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Ski Porn
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I’m holed up on the first floor of a dank motel on the east side of Detroit.  It’s about 1 AM and the heat and humidity of your standard issue mid-west August has got the night air in a death grip.  Sitting beside me and sputtering like a grumpy old man at a deli counter is a crappy A/C unit.  I think the hamsters on the treadmill inside are on their last legs because the only thing coming out of this sad appliance is a death rattle.  Because of all this I have the door to the outside open but there’s no respite.  The air is motionless.  The only thing moving are the fish-flies buzzing around the street light outside the door.  I mention all this because the only cool thing I’m anywhere near is the snow on my screen.  I think that was Seth Morrison who just went by.  Don’t blink or you’ll miss him though.  That’s a shame but it’s the name of the game in John Decesare and Tyler Hamlet’s “Ski Porn”.  The boys come out swinging for the fences after their previous outing, 2005’s “War”, which got them Movie of the Year at the Powder Video Awards.  They’ve loaded this film with 18 of the most shit-hot skiers out there but they’ve offered up only 45 minutes of footage before the credits roll.  Do the math:  that’s two and a half minutes per skier.  And not everybody gets even that – the back-to-back triple play sequence of Grete Eliassen, Kristi Leskinen and Michelle Parker blasts by in only two and a half minutes (yeah I know, it would have been easy to drop some sex related turn-of-phrase here, take your choice given the movie title, but I’ll leave that for you to do).  But I guess all the slam-bam action, blitzing from one skier to the next, without all the distractions of a travelogue or the humor and personality segments that we have come to expect in ski movies is kind of the point, right?  I mean, this movie is titled “Ski Porn”.  If you want a plot-line, watch a Dirk Diggler film.  If you want humor, download some Ron Jeremy.  But, if you want rails, big mountains and back-country kickers all tightly edited to the beat of the soundtrack , then Ski Porn” will satisfy, to a point.  Standing out in this onslaught is Andreas Hatveit’s sequence where he catches huge air and reels in some great follow-cam shots in the park.  The editing in Julien Regnier’s segment turns an already great skier into an awesome skier and shows that Decesare and Hamlet when teamed with editor Dave Levin can deliver the eye candy.  It’s JP Auclair’s sequence that sticks in my mind, though.  You get a fast ten year retrospective of JP’s progression of tricks since 1997.  His skill is astounding and his drive to improve is relentless.  He’s a total inspiration and that’s a good thing because it’s still stifling hot here in Detroit.   Kind of like the situations in regular porn, icey air and cold powder (yeah, that’s right, “face-shots”) remain only a fantasy at this point in time.      By Mark “The Attorney General” Quail

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Reviewed by AttorneyGeneral on August 4, 2011

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